Freak Magnets of the World, Unite!

So I ran across this article – Oddballs abound when you’re a freak magnet, which asks the questions, “Do freak magnets emit some kind of special scent? Use different body language? Are they more open and approachable than other people? Or do they just like all the crazy attention or perhaps attract it because they’re a little freaky themselves?” Being a freak magnet myself, I’m hoping the answers are no, no, maybe, hell no, maybe. But who knows.

There’s a blog referenced in the article – Diary of a Freak Magnet (I collect freaks like black pants collect lint) which I highly recommend. This should be required reading for women. And of course it made me think of all the freaks I’ve managed to attract: there was the guy I met at a bar with friends. KC is a pretty small social scene, so it didn’t take us long to figure out the six degrees. Turns out there were only two–his friend C used to date my roommate J. So “FOF” seemed ok. We exchanged numbers, and names and a week later went out on our first date, then our second and so-on. For a couple of months. So July 4 is approaching and I invite him to a BBQ that a couple of my neighbors are throwing. He can’t make it, he already has other plans. What are his plans, you ask? He was spending his 4th of July with his kid. So I ask how old his kid is. No, he says, not kid, kids. Plural. Ok, so I’m a little stunned. I mean we had been dating for a couple of months and this is the first I’m hearing about his kids, plural. OK, so I ask again, how old are your kids (plural)? Keep in mind, this guy was right around 32 at the time and I’m about 26-27. His kids are between 11-15 years old. I almost hit the floor! I can understand that the kid thing might not come up at the first meeting, but the fact that you have 4 teenagers and soon-to-be teenagers at home is definitely something that should come up in the first few dates! Freak.

Then there’s CJ that I dated briefly in Kansas City. At first meeting, he seemed perfectly normal. At first meeting. Soon I discovered he hadn’t purchased shampoo in years; he thought occasionally getting his hair wet and maybe running a bar of soap over it was sufficient. (for the record, it’s not) Contrary to what you’re picturing, he did not have dreadlocks; in fact he had great hair. What really got me was that once in awhile, he would pretend to find a bug in his hair, and eat it! He thought it was hilarious. I didn’t.

There was the freak I met at work. He was a patron at the place I worked and asked me out one day when he came in. He seemed normal enough, so I agreed. We set a date for a week later. By the time we finally went out I already hated him. (Guys: when a girl says don’t call me until _____, it is NOT code for please call me everyday while I’m at work or randomly stop by just to say hi). So he heard I like Italian food and took me to a “great” Italian place. If you know me at all, you know I’m used to the real thing–I didn’t even know you could buy jarred pasta sauce until I was in high school. Italian fast food is not on my radar. So where did we go? Fazolis. (Guys: Fazolis is in no way, shape or form a “nice” restaurant by any stretch of the imagination and is most certainly not a good first date eatery if you’re trying to impress the gal). We finally left the restaurant and went to a movie. I think we saw Anna and the King, but since he never stopped talking, I can’t say for sure. We left the theatre and he walked me to my car (thank god I decided to meet him instead of giving him my address). I was half way in the car when he grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat (Again, guys: please pay attention to body language: if the girl is sitting as far away from you as possible during the movie and bolts to her car when it’s over, take it as a sign that things are not going well. Forcing your tongue down her throat is not going to improve the situation!) I dodged phone calls for weeks after that before he finally cornered me at the center. I had to make up a fake boyfriend and keep the ruse going for over a year before he finally got the hint!

But I think my favorite freak story is (fortunately) not mine. Every time my friends and I get into a “who attracts the biggest nut balls” discussion, CL always wins. She was at the public library a few years ago, studying or something. And she started talking to this guy. He was pretty cute and was nice. So they talked for awhile and he asked her to dinner. So they left the library and headed out for a bite. Conversation was pretty normal; they get back in the car and are heading back to the library, when he blurts out “I have genital herpes”. As if this isn’t bad enough, he also “whips it out” (think Seinfeld, here) to show her! She couldn’t get out of the car fast enough! As a perfect ending to the story, as she was driving home, she’s listening to the radio, and the DJ is promoting some sort of contest prompting women to call in with their worst date stories. CL called in. She won. Hands down. I hope I never have a “freak” story that tops this; she can keep winning.

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