Yes, I know I’m totally going to hell. Don’t smirk, you probably are, too.
So I was leaving work today when my cell rings. I’m the Guaranteed Ride Home coordinator for a local employer, so I have to answer cell calls, at least the ones in the area. So I answer it and a lady starts asking me about the program. I explain it and ask if that’s why she’s calling. No. She doesn’t work for said employer. Actually, she doesn’t currently work at all–she’s been on disability for awhile now and is hoping to go back to school to get some vocational training so she can re-enter the job force. OK. So I’m thinking that maybe she’s calling because she thinks we offer some sort of shuttle service or something–we get a lot of random calls like that. So I let her go on, and this is the story that I get (abridged; I only wish I could have recorded this–20 minutes of “Come to Jesus”).
1) Several years ago “Martha” went on a 3 day fast. During this time, Jesus told her to tithe to unwed mothers’ homes. So after the fast, she donated a nice little chunk of change to a couple of local charities and felt pretty good about it. She went home and started doing laundry, and noticed that her pink and white blouse–combed cotton on the outside and terrycloth on the inside–the one she had spilled bleach on, that left a quarter-sized hole on the left chest, was now intact–both in textile and in color. So she took it that Jesus approved of her decision and wanted her to spread his pro-life message.
2) She then moved to a different neighborhood in Denver, not realizing what a hedonistic part of town it was! She said that she ended up eating a lot of junk food in those days because of the close proximity. Jesus didn’t approve and punished her by erasing her favorite workout cassette. She knows that she didn’t accidentally erase it, because “the record key on her boombox hadn’t worked in years.”
3) There is a lot of duplicity in the DEX yellow pages. She then proceeded to tell me that there are (paraphrased–I really wish I’d written this part down): 700 businesses in the yellow pages with “denver” in the name, and 435 businesses with “Horizon” in the name, and so on. And this duplicity isn’t just in businesses. In the residential section, there are 38 “John Smiths” and 37 “Mary Smiths” and 117 “Robert Smiths”. This is a problem because when you are praying for someone, the prayer angels don’t know which “John Smith” you are praying for, so it takes them longer to get there. So she thinks that when we pray for someone (like I do ALL the time), we should use their first and last names, and the city that they reside in. (By the way, she gave me all of this information about her, including all the other places she’s lived, so that I could give proper directions to the prayer angels).
4) there is too much electrical interference in the city–with satellites and cell phone and tv antennas, and so on. It’s killing birds. And if it’s killing birds, you know it has to be affecting prayer angels. (I think this was my favorite part).
I’m just thankful that this was over the phone instead of one of the random walk-in solicitations we occasionally get. I couldn’t keep a straight face and thought I was going to cry.