Late Night Thoughts on Listening to Mahler’s Ninth Symphony…

Ok, so I’m not actually listening to Mahler or reading Thomas (thanks MC for the introduction), but I like the title, and it fits my mood tonight.  I haven’t posted in awhile, and after the better part of several bottles of wine and a general case of insomnia, I’m feeling philosophic, so you can either indulge me or not…

The last several weeks I’ve found myself in conversation with a more introspective self.  There’s a lot going on that I won’t go into, that’s made me really evaluate the present and think (often dream) about the future. A few highlights…

I joined a great friend tonight to watch Game 3 of the World Series.  I’m not afraid to admit that I am truly a fair weather Rockies fan.  At heart I’ll always love the Royals (admittedly, I loved them more in the mid-80s when they were good than now) and the Red Sox.  Not sure where the Boston connection comes in, but even as kids we rooted for the Red Sox and the Celtics.  But there’s something to say about “hometown pride” and cheering for the underdog and I’ve had a great time following and reveling in the recent Rockies streak (which seems to have ended as of a few days ago).  So with this series, I’ve realized that, much like life lately, regardless of the outcome of the game or the series, I’m going to be a little elated and a little disappointed regardless of who wins.  And like life, it’s the game I love and not necessarily the final score.

I ran across a poem earlier by WH Auden (ok, “ran across” might be a stretch—truth is I was watching old episodes of Felicity that a friend loaned me and it was referenced, but it resonated with me just the same).  In particular there was a line “If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me.”  Lately I’ve found my down time to be scarce.  Time to catch up with friends is limited to short text messages, brief emails and calls while I travel from place to place.  Lots of sound bites with limited amounts of true substance or support.  I’m so overscheduled with work and other obligations (and playtime) that I’ve let a lot of my friendships fall aside.  It’s not that it’s intentional, it’s just that most of my friends aren’t going to appreciate a phone call in the middle of the night when I actually have time to talk.  On the flipside, I’ve also noticed at the end of the day that my phone has been as silent as me.  I’ve wondered if my friends have given up hope that I’ll return calls or follow up on promised emails.  Hearing those lines today, I realized that given the choice, I’d rather have my friends give up on me than give up on my friends.  And while it’s always a bit of a disappointment when I see that no one has tried to reach me while I was working, it’s also kind of a relief to know that there might be one less person wondering why I haven’t called back.  So while I still hope to hear from friends, at least for the time being, if I have to choose, I’d rather that I’m the one on the disappointed end, waiting for an unreturned email or phone call.

I love that time when I meet some new of interest.  When I’m feeling flirty, and awkward, and excited and a little intimidated.  When I’m feeling a little unsure and a little bit confident and a little adventurous.  When possibility stares me right in the face and I stare back just as intensely.  I’m feeling that way now.  Not with a new guy, but with future potential.  With the possibility of the stars and luck and planning and strategy all aligning at once.  With newness and familiarity coming together in an incredible mix.  Like any new relationship, it’s too early to tell what will happen, but for now I’m enjoying the daydreams and the possibility of something great.

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