A few years ago, a couple of friends convinced me to delve into the world of online dating. I can’t say I’ve been particularly successful over the years when I’ve tried it, although I’ve met some awesome (and not so awesome) guys, and been on enough dates that I’m a little worried about my reputation.
One of the funnier results of this foray is that I’ve been on some bad dates. And I mean BAD. Like “I should write a book about these, I bet it’d be a bestseller and then I could retire and never have to work again bad” (which is actually what my friends have suggested I do with these stories; fortunately, I don’t have enough of the really funny ones yet to fill an entire book, so the dating continues…). But as a start, I’m posting two of my favorites here. It’s kind of long, so it will be a two-part series. My friends assure me these are hilarious when told in person. Hopefully I can convey the same humor in writing.
I met Andrew a year or so ago. Online he was kind of cute (redhead…I do like those redhead guys), articulate, kind of dorky-cute. We met for coffee and I was instantly not attracted to him. There must have been some serious retouching on the photos he posted online is all I can say. But I’ll give almost anyone a chance to make an impression beyond physical looks and he’d seemed like a pretty interesting conversationalist, so I figured what the hell. We ordered our overpriced lattes and found a table in the very crowded coffee shop and sat started to talk.
The date starts out badly—beyond the lack of physical attraction it becomes apparent pretty fast that we have absolutely nothing in common and I’m really wondering why some logarithm thought we would be a good match. Maybe computers have developed a sense of humor. That’s the only explanation I have. Just when I’m looking for an escape plan (seriously, how do you leave a date after 5 minutes?? If you have any ideas, email me, I may need them in the future!), things get even better (if by better you mean “more ackward”). I try to wind up the conversation with a little “I’ve got a lot to do today, what’s on your agenda for the rest of the day” segue into leaving:
Me: So Saturday afternoon…I’ve got a busy day planned. Need to run errands, do laundry, get in a workout…maybe a bike ride. What about you?
Creepy Redhead: Oh, I have a busy day, too. I have to go home and brew up a batch of blood.
Me: Uh, WHAT?!?
Prince Charming: <gets excited and really animated> yeah, so my real passion is horror movies. I just finished writing one and I’m producing/directing it. It’s just a short film, but I think it’s going to be really good!
Me: uh…yeah, I’m really not into horror films <WTF! If this is his real passion, shouldn’t this be on his profile? Maybe under the “what are you most passionate about” section?>
Prince Charming: yeah, I don’t have much of a budget for this, but I put out an ad on Craigslist for actors and a camera crew who can work for free and we’re about to get started. We’re going to shoot the movie in my basement!
Me: <trying to stay calm while I find a way to exit the date with Crazy ™> So you’re like the Ed Wood of slasher movies? <I’m not a movie person, and really don’t like Ed Wood movies (thanks Jason, for making me watch Plan 9 from Outer Space like 600 times when we were together), but I thought the joke was kind of funny>
Prince Charming: <gets mad> No, my movie is serious.
The even funnier part is that during the first date I went on after this, the guy and I got into a “worst date” discussion. I laid this one out in detail which had us both cracking up. I got up a couple of minutes to use the ladies’ room. On my way back, who do I notice sitting at the NEXT TABLE? That’s right–Crazy ™! (which made it even funnier)